oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
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I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”