screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
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All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.