my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
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Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet