If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
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[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
We like the way Dwight thinks
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
Guys, I found it.
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”