I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
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Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist