Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
You Might Also Like
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.