Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of hippieswordfish's best tweets

@hippieswordfish : ROOMMATE: oh shit it's that spider, you take care of it ME: ugh fine *crouches by the spider* listen dude...you're late on rent again

@hippieswordfish: boy they weren't kidding about cigarettes being addictive; I can't stop eating these things!!

@hippieswordfish: [bus stop]
'help! is there a doctor around?'
im a dr
'this guy got shot'
how does that make you feel
'what are u doing?'
im a psychiatrist

@hippieswordfish: Neolib twitter: “my 1 year old just asked me why Donald trump holds such disdain for women and minorities?”

My Twitter: my 6 year old just asked “Why does dogs elbows is so sharp”

@hippieswordfish: weird that u can die from drinkin too much water but also die from not drinking enough water. Also u will die even drinking the right amount

@hippieswordfish: 'some ppl call me the space cowboy'
um okay
'some call me the gangster of love'
sir
'some call me m-'
sir we just need a name for your latte

@hippieswordfish: I condemn the archaic Mother's Day tradition of having every mother in the world fight each other to determine who is the greatest

@hippieswordfish: FRED: *removing villains mask*
SCOOBY DOO: rarent we rall rust rearing retaphorical rasks to risguise rour true rideous relves
FRED: what

@hippieswordfish: WIFE: and this is my husband, he's obsessed with the movie shrek-
ME: *clears throat*
WIFE: sorry, the 'academy award winning' movie shrek

@hippieswordfish: ME: so basically it's like the batsignal except it's the golden arches so you know when the mcrib is back
SANTA: please get off my lap