Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of hippieswordfish's best tweets

@hippieswordfish : COP: put ur hands in the air ME: ok C: now flip them over M: k? C: now cross them M: what C: put them behind ur head M: why- C: hey macarena

@hippieswordfish: [in traction] Before you ask, yes you can make cheese from moose milk and no I didn't think she'd spook so easy.

@hippieswordfish: ME: I JUST WENT TO THAT NEW SALON WHERE THEY CUT YOUR HAIR OFF BY SHOOTING IT WITH A GUN
FRIEND: oh cool how was it
ME: WHAT

@hippieswordfish: you can't believe it's not butter? buddy, almost everything is not butter

@hippieswordfish: *emerges from a large magic lamp,* it's me the Reasonable genie, please only wish for things like 'drive me to the airport'

@hippieswordfish: when i found out i won the World's Saddest Man award i became slightly happy and was immediately stripped of my title

@hippieswordfish: when life gives you lemons, use their natural acidity to temporarily blind your opponent

@hippieswordfish: ME: i thought i saw a new color today
WIFE: wait- is this..are you..
M: but it-
W: oh no
M: was just-
W: dont
M: a pigment of my imagination

@hippieswordfish: HEAD OF THE NATIONAL WEATHER SEVICE: so how will we name all these hurricanes?
GARY, WHOS BEEN DIVORCED 31 TIMES: i have an idea