@hippieswordfish: boy they weren't kidding about cigarettes being addictive; I can't stop eating these things!!
@hippieswordfish: [bus stop]
'help! is there a doctor around?'
im a dr
'this guy got shot'
how does that make you feel
'what are u doing?'
im a psychiatrist
@hippieswordfish: Neolib twitter: “my 1 year old just asked me why Donald trump holds such disdain for women and minorities?”
My Twitter: my 6 year old just asked “Why does dogs elbows is so sharp”
@hippieswordfish: weird that u can die from drinkin too much water but also die from not drinking enough water. Also u will die even drinking the right amount
@hippieswordfish: 'some ppl call me the space cowboy'
'some call me the gangster of love'
'some call me m-'
sir we just need a name for your latte
@hippieswordfish: I condemn the archaic Mother's Day tradition of having every mother in the world fight each other to determine who is the greatest
@hippieswordfish: FRED: *removing villains mask*
SCOOBY DOO: rarent we rall rust rearing retaphorical rasks to risguise rour true rideous relves
@hippieswordfish: WIFE: and this is my husband, he's obsessed with the movie shrek-
ME: *clears throat*
WIFE: sorry, the 'academy award winning' movie shrek
@hippieswordfish: ME: so basically it's like the batsignal except it's the golden arches so you know when the mcrib is back
SANTA: please get off my lap