[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
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Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…