He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
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In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
Everyone’s family
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake