I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
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Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
based al yankovic
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm