Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
You Might Also Like
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
Hitlers gonna hitl
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.