he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
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WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
Think I pulled my liver
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
💻🤡
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
Taco Bell, Exit 22
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.