[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
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This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
Beware of the dog..
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
5 ways to appear taller
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult