9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
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Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break