Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
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“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex