LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
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Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.