Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
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Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
Nice try Hitler
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.