everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
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*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
every. time.
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
🤣🤣💀
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!