At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
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A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
if a cop pulls u over play dead
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
“i miss shittin on people”
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]