Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
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My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
THE AUDACITY. 😤
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.