Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
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my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
#StillHurts
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
PLOT TWIST:
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”