I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
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I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
paddle faster i hear baby shark
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
me when the borders lift
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
Ha
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.