Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
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I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
This came to me in a dream.
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
Match dot com, but for socks.
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco