Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
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me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
*jingles half the way*