They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
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Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell