Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of howe007's best tweets

@howe007 : Mars: I'm wet NASA: I'm coming over

@howe007: Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.

@howe007: Interviewer: Why do you want this job?

Me: I've always been passionate about being able to afford food

@howe007: Is your refrigerator running?

Because I might vote for it.

@howe007: When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he's in a better place now.

@howe007: If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you're a wizard.

@howe007: Women’s magazines:

Page 5: accept yourself for who you are

Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week

Page 12: best cake recipe

@howe007: Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.

@howe007: If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.

@howe007: Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.