If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
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Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.