NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
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I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.