Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
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what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave