Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of hpb777's best tweets

@hpb777 : Me: *texts* How'd you sleep? Him: *texts* Horrible...I was tossing and turn- Me: *crawls out from under his bed* I KNOW, YOU POOR THING.

@hpb777: I'm at my most British when the Benny Hill theme song plays while I'm half naked & being chased by my TC's wife who found me in his closet.

@hpb777: 6yo wants to "have a conversation" with the class bully's parents. Either he's mature beyond his years or he's a mobster.

@hpb777: My husband's doing that cute thing again where he thinks he's right.

*throws his shit out on the lawn*

*makes a bonfire*

@hpb777: A fun way to find bleach in your coffee is to tell me I'm turning into my mother.

@hpb777: I hate it when the credit card bills come in and I have to have sex with my husband.

@hpb777: Pretty cool how the universe lets me know I'll be bumping into my ex by making me spill coffee on my shirt.

@hpb777: Rapunzel is my favorite fairy tale about a woman who finds happiness when a man pulls her hair.

@hpb777: Sometimes I wonder how people who don't have kids get their TV remotes from the other side of the room.