When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
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Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
What the hell happened in there??
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
Herpes is trending, good job people
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG