me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
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I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
Gods work.
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
Jupiter
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC