The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
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“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.