Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of huntigula's best tweets

@huntigula : SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin

@huntigula: When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly

@huntigula: *eats half a banana then stubs the bit that's left in an ashtray*

@huntigula: I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella's step mom was a real piece of shit

@huntigula: ME: [deep in thought] it's just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.

@huntigula: [job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don't move [plays 'In The Air Tonight']
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]

@huntigula: [texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that's kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone

@huntigula: if I accidentally respond "you too" after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn't awkward

@huntigula: psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
From karate?
Chad wants u to know he's ok
*guy starts crying*

@huntigula: My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that's a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them