Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
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Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again