*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
You Might Also Like
peak technology
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
(Electricians.)
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.