I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
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Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
I bet
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.