Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
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[montage of me giving-up]
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival