Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
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roman lesbians: *caesaring*
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
i guess his teacher was really pissed
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties