*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
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Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
The hardest thing Vision has to do
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge