I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
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When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.