A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
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Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
Pot warmers of the day.
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.