The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
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if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
How to make infinite energy.
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper