Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of iGreenMonk's best tweets

@iGreenMonk : Someone just saw me trying to take a picture of myself and now I have a dead body to bury.

@iGreenMonk: Some day when scientists discover the center of the universe, many people are going to be disappointed to find out it isn't them.

@iGreenMonk: I failed my driver's test. The instructor asked me "What do you do at a red light?

I said "I usually see what people are up to on twitter.

@iGreenMonk: Working on my new book, "How to Get Through Life Without Reading."

@iGreenMonk: Every fight is a food fight when you're a cannibal.

@iGreenMonk: My dog just fell off the bed.

I'm glad I'm not the only one drunk around here.

@iGreenMonk: I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me now.

But no, she's still alive.

@iGreenMonk: I got a dog and named it "Twenty Miles". This way I can tell people that I walk twenty miles everyday.

@iGreenMonk: A boy met a girl

She:Every time u smile, I feel like inviting u to my place

He(smiling):Why thank u.. are u single?

She:No, I'm a dentist

@iGreenMonk: Son:Dad, what is 'creeping inflation'?

Father:It's when your mother starts out asking for new shoes and ends up with a complete new outfit.