What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
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Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
My time has come.
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
This is going to be a meme FOREVER: