Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
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The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
Just say no
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
car not found
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes