@iLikeCatShirts: Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
@iLikeCatShirts: Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
@iLikeCatShirts: Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
@iLikeCatShirts: Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
@iLikeCatShirts: House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don't know how he got trapped in the wall.
@iLikeCatShirts: Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
@iLikeCatShirts: Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like "we clean our bathrooms now."