ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
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How do you like your Corgi?
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles