me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
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Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
This is I, Robot all over again
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door