Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
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DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.