When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
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Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
I think this should do it.
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
*pokes sex life with a stick
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control