I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
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If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
I’d rather fork than spoon.
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.