Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
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Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
My good tweets are in my other pants.
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭