Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
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[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
Birds & Planes.
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
Seals are just dog mermaids.
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy