Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of iamburtjarvis's best tweets

@iamburtjarvis : me [sneezes]: excuse me. guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.

@iamburtjarvis: me: so your first name is "shaw-un" then why is your last name "be-een"?

sean bean: you want my autograph or not?

me: I do, shawn bawn.

@iamburtjarvis: lawyer: I haven't won a case since last year's hearing loss.

me: what was the hearing for?

lawyer: WHAT?

me: the hearing.

lawyer: WHAT?

@iamburtjarvis: producer [at a stuntman's funeral]: he died for our scenes.

@iamburtjarvis: 911: whats the emergency?

∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can't get up.

@iamburtjarvis: riddler: check out aquaman's new tweet: "on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam"

lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL

others: LOL

@iamburtjarvis: me: wanna hang out?

southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah

me:

@iamburtjarvis: [confessional]

me: father, gooey naan.

father: what's gooey naan?

me: nothing much. what's goin' on with you?

@iamburtjarvis: [radioshack meeting]

employee: sir, overall sales are really low.

CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?