Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of iamburtjarvis's best tweets

@iamburtjarvis : villagers: we need rain but no rain in months. me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed] [rain starts immediately] [gets appointed as a head witch of the village]

@iamburtjarvis: me: haha no I'm not ready to have kids yet

landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”

me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.

landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!

@iamburtjarvis: date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?

me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.

@iamburtjarvis: wife: did you change the baby?

me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.

@iamburtjarvis: bruce banner: [getting angry]

black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]

bruce banner: what is this?

black widow: anger manageMINT.

hulk: [sighs heavily]

@iamburtjarvis: [one tweet gets 10 likes]

me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.

@iamburtjarvis: [at an indian restaurant]

me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.

her: what’s gooey naan?

me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?

@iamburtjarvis: [during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!

seth macfarlane: shut up, I'll do all the voices!

gf:

seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!

@iamburtjarvis: me [sneezes]: excuse me.

guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.

@iamburtjarvis: me: so your first name is "shaw-un" then why is your last name "be-een"?

sean bean: you want my autograph or not?

me: I do, shawn bawn.